Why?

I would say all the big publishing agencies and amazon is going so well, they do not want my money. Ereader manufacturers must have gold coming out of their arses, since they do not seem to give a damn.

I wanna thingy! Well, what I really want is the ability to by a book and get it right away and not wait FOREVER and for a price that reflects the fact that I have less rights with an ebook than with a printed one.

Maybe I should make a list of all the books I would have bought during a year, and send the number to the pub houses...

I have an exam tomorrow.

Gulp.

that was a bit too much

I went to the uni this morning, to the door and was hit by the frenetic hysteria, and turned. That sucks. So two exams in two days is a bit too much for me yet. More so considering the last day before an exam is spent convincing myself it is a good idea to go. That meant I had not touched Farma in about a week. All was general ideas but no details, no names...and so I get a block.

Also I have this little kitty helping me study. It took me about five tries with blurry heads to get this one.

I still have some way to go obv, but I feel calmer, and I hope this will show when I sit down to study. Less "I am stupid! I cannot learn this!" and thus less time wasted being ancious and concentrating on calming down, and more actually studying. Progress in small steps..

Rain

I passed the exam.

I have not held a ritual burning of the notes on the roof, but I have put la carpeta in the very back of the bookshelf.

It is such a relief!

And now for the next thing, as I am sliding down into spring-depression, monitoring myself and pushing what needs to be pushed and letting go what is not important. I hope this works, it is the first time I meet it head on with the mindset of just living through it and hopefully that will mean it does not last so long, or have me lying in bed for days, just too something to cope.

No appetite, heavy head, muscle aches, tired, thoughts go negative...March sucks.

I woke up early this morning to the sound of rain. It was lovely: just lying half asleep, with the patter of heavy rain, so rare here in Zaragoza. :)

Other nice stuff:
- The tap dancing class looks like it might happen, although they still wait to see if more people sign up.
- A new book! Reading "Disquiet, please!"
- My best friend poking me on Facebook. I know it is so last decade, but it is just so nice to see the notice, to be thought of.
- my new guilty purchase: lovely highheeled grey shoes. They were on sale! I needed something like that! That is my excuses and I'll stick to them.
- I will quite possibly get a photo camara for my birthday in summer. Then I can take photos of my shoes. Lucky you!

Not so fast..

I went to the university! I presented myself at the examination room! Yey! And they had changed the date to next friday! Yey?

My first reaction was relief: one more week to read, the thing I always dream of on exam day. And then I realized it would mean one more week in biofisica-land. :(

But then I thought: Hey! This will give me another opportunity to battle my fear! Cool!

And then I went home and had a meltdown of anger and grief over the Breakup. Just to round off the day with snot and tears.

Things that brightened the day:
- The Professor said she is planning to go lightly on the correction of the exams.
- I bought cool shimmery eyeshadow
- I found some great point shoes. Please Godess of The Pointshoe: let them be great!
- I had a piece of chocolate cake
- There is also a bar of Lindt Dark shocolate with cherry and chile
- 1/2 hour of Tom and Jerry on telly

Exam

Oh, boy oboyoboy...

I have an exam tomorrow. And I am not freaking out. This is just so amazing, that I am smiling thinking about it. I feel, as I always do, that I know nuffin' but I have finally learned to not give any importance to that perception.

TFT is my friend! It is so great to have something to DO when the anxiety starts fluttering. So I tap on hands and face and nevermind how it looks to others, most of them are so inside their own exam-stressed heads they do not notice anyway. ;)

So I did one already in january, and now I have this one tomorrow, and then: no exams for months. Friday 1230 I will be Free!

Cleanliness is next to godliness

I am one of those persons that do not see untidy clothes on the floor, crusty plates in the sink and other less savory things. (I do have weekly cleaning habits of the necesary kind: bathroom, kitchen, change of bed...)
In some ways it is a blessing: I will not have a hissy-fit over dirty windows, but on the other hand, it would be good to "see" once in a while because at one point I will. As just now with my keybord.

Uch..

It is disgusting.

I'll go and find some alcohol, and wash my hands.

And then I think about all the other things I regularily touch and have not thought about cleaning. The remote control. The buttons on the cd-player. My mp3, cellphone...uch, uch, uch. All full of dead skin, grease and miscellancelous biomass. I am grossing myself out. Guess what I'll be doing this week end?

Curious how my brain suddenly register these things just around exam-prepping time..

Fell off

After a few days of crying and thinking melodramatic thoughts and beeing really embarrassed, (well, I am still embarrassed) I now feel quite good, in an optimistic, calm sort of way. I always do. Now it is all about next time, and it is so easy to envision myself about 5 months from now, calm, composed and in control, going to exams and passing them. But it is not going to be like that. What I need to envision is me going sick with dread (of not knowing what I am asked..) and doing it even though I am convinced I will not be able to answer even one question. That is what I need to work on.

Jumpin' back on the horse

At least that is the plan. Last exam tomorrow at ten. For now. My new mantra is "I want to become a doctor". It has been working these past few days. I am also drinking vast quantities of Rescue Remedy. I just want this to be OVER. Like if I could just skip ahead 24 hrs. Please? Universe? I am so fed up with all this worrying, and yes: the only one who can change is me.

And the beat goes on...

I had sort of decided that some topics were used up. Exam, nerves and Solitaire Spider being some of them. But here I sit again, the night before an exam and..shit. Why have I not studied more? One reason is that I am not one of those people that sleep 3hrs a day for a month, living in the library. I am one of those that fall asleep on top of the books and wake up a couple of hours later with groggy head, letters on my chin, drool mark in the book and a painful neck.
Not very promising for future 48 hrs guards I must say.

On a better note I am not lying in fetal position in the bath tube, thinking I am the toe-fungus of the world. But I cannot say I like myself much right now. Witch is FINE. One cannot please everybody right?

So I'll do the bloody thing, and cringe when bf and family asks with hope in their voices "How did it go?" I have tried to impose a rule of silence. Do not ask me how I am doing and do not ask how it went. It did not work very well. But I'll do it. I need the experience, and the stuff that I did not learn or don't remember, I'll know the next time. And I am Zen about that. Sort of.

Donkey Balls

Biophysics sucks large hairy donkey balls.

Pretty pretty

Here is a picture of my newest project, the prettiest yarn ever! It is a mix of wool, angora and silk and the colours are like therapy in winter..

can you hear the crckets "cricking" ?

Or whatever it is that they do.

I am submerged in my habitual exam-psychosis and have done one, three to go, so for the next three weeks I will not post much.